"All Clear!" Will not see the lovely Esther or her Redvines for one whole year.
The Sweet Spot
The world is perfect today. The world is camp. The world is a place in which my only burden is deciding where and with which friend I should have dim sum. That is because yesterday I had my scans and today I have not yet seen my doctor.
There is a watch I’ve seen on the web that I wanted to buy which reads only Fuck Cancer. I have thought a lot about buying that watch. But then I saw another watch that has no numbers at all. It just says NOW. Its slogan is,“This watch is always right.” It is a super zen watch. When you are waiting for news, good or devastating, you are all about the future and what it will mean. What plane tickets will have have to cancel, what dreams will I have to defer, how if I do have cancer I will finally get some pityhelp from the teacher’s at my son’s school. It is all about what will happen and how/if I can cope with it. Will I be afraid? I think as I write, that the afraid itself, is about anticipation. How all the most difficult things I have faced are less hard when I actually face them. I am staring them down and I know myself. More often then not, I have found myself fit in those moments and suprisingly un afraid.
I was once on a plane to Los Angles that had to make an emergency landing. The wheels would not come down and we had to dump our fuel over the Pacific and land on just the scraping sparking bottom of the plane. What was the most remarkable was the calm silent acceptance that took over the passangers as we made our descent. No one yelled or cried out. There was just calm silence. My seatmate from Dallas took my hand and we just did this thing. We were past afraid. There was just now, now and now again.
We lived, by the way. We emerged from the plane the runway filled with dozens of ambulances with flashing lights like our first paparazzi, our faces wet with happy tears, tears of relief and laughter (many of us strangers had unabashedly embraced when we landed and were now a tiny abashed.) We deplaned and went home and resumed our lives. In my case I started my first job in California as a TV comedy writer and had been blessed with not only my survival, but a pretty good story.
So this morning and the rest of day and the hours right up until I see my kind and brave oncologist are wide open. I have had the scans and if the sugary isotope found cancer cells and lit them up is not known to me. It will not be true until it is. For now, lovely now, as far as anyone knows I am aces. So for now I am going to rock that. I am moving though my day without fear or pity just a kind of secret elation. This elation understands that tomorrow or the next day I may have the hard work of cancer to do, or I may not. But either way in this sweet spot between scan and report, I am free. It is lovely and I’m basking in it. And probably what I’ll do with my hookey day from fear is have some coffee, maybe clear off my desk and do some writing. I’d better get started. It just looked at my watch and it’s now already.